Saturday, February 23, 2008

Dad, I've got a peppercorn up my nose.....

No, really, that is what Nathaniel told me as I took him up to bed tonight. Now, I knew that he'd spilled some peppercorns out of a home made shaker that he'd been playing with. I could believe that he'd got a sneezy nose because he'd been sniffing them, but, had he really got one stuck up his nostril? A preliminary investigation later and I couldn't see anything but he was insistent. So, an extensive search for a non-existent torch ensued whilst nightmares of the local A&E on a Saturday evening began to play in my imagination. Wielding a bedside lamp at odd angles did give me a glimpse of something that looked peppercorn like, a reflection off a wrinkly, curved surface. How to get it out? Suck with a straw? That didn't work. Blow your nose Nathaniel, no, blow not sniff! Tweezers - oh no, it's going deeper. The spectre of a trip to A&E looms larger. One last go at the blow your nose technique. And oh, the joyful sight of a snotty peppercorn nestling in my hanky :-)

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

New Woman Article

I came home from work one day in December and Liz said, "Would you like to be featured in an article on being married for ten years." So, we had a chat over the pros and cons, took some advice and decided to go for it, what could possibly go wrong? We headed down to London for a photo shoot (what a palaver that was - good photos though), and then answered some questions we were sent by the journalist:

What's been your best time?
Your worst time?
Anything almost driven you to walk away?
What keeps you together?
What would you change about him/her and the relationship?
Describe your sex life over the years.
What's been your biggest challenge?
What's your 10-year secret?

Now, you won't get much of the answers we gave in the article that appeared in the magazine that hit the shelves today. If you're interested in a game of spot the difference, here is what we did say, one set a joint effort, and a second set from Liz.

What's been your best time?
The last eighteen months have been really good. We moved to Nottingham, for Tim to college to start training to be a vicar. This was a significant step along the road towards what we want to be doing as a couple. We've made some good friends, Liz was in good health for the first six months of our time here, and has started training as a counsellor. We had one of our best ever family holidays over the summer. Although Liz's condition has deteriorated more recently, we have been moved and encouraged by the support of those around us and have grown closer through it.

I can think of many really good times. Our wedding day itself was wonderful, but things have only improved since! I would say that since moving here to begin Tim's training for ministry has been a really fulfilling time in our life and marriage, as we are going toward the goal we have shared for a long time, and we have been really happy here in our family and with friends.
One of my best times was a few months after the birth of our daughter, when she had settled down from the newborn stage. I was loving being a mum, Tim's job was going well, and we were enjoying our life together a lot.

Your worst time?
2003 was a difficult year for us. Early in the year Tim went through the selection process for going into full time ministry in the Church of England for the first time, but was not recommended for training. This was a blow to what we thought that we were going to be doing for the majority of our life together. Liz was pregnant with our son Nathaniel, and was taken into hospital three times with breathing complications. Once Nathaniel was born, Liz had post natal depression. Under the stress and strain caused by these setbacks it was difficult to maintain the energy levels needed to communicate well and to invest in our relationship.

Both my pregnancies were a very stressful time for us as a couple, I was severely ill with my lung disease both times and hospitalised a number of times. We struggled to cope with a lot of stuff at the time. The worst time was probably 2003, when pregnant with our son, Tim was turned down in his first application to the Church and we were both very down about this, as we'd felt it was the right thing for us to do. I was ill and then had PND after the birth. Communication between us was at a low point at that time, and although I wouldn't say we were drifting apart, I'd say we were not as together as we are usually.


Anything almost driven you to walk away?
No.

What keeps you together?
Through all the tough times and the good times we are kept together by lots of things. Our love for each other has grown and deepened. We have been deliberate and intentional about doing things that have nurtured our relationship. For instance, before getting married we went away on a weekend designed to help people think through issues that are likely to come up in a marriage. In 2005 we went on, "The Marriage Course"* as a kind of MOT for our relationship, and this was really useful in helping us to step back and review where it was working well, and where there might be issues beginning to develop. We make sure that we have time alone together on a regular basis, going out on 'dates' or having a night in with a takeaway and a bottle of wine, having time to chat things through and fill each other in on our busy lives, and just have fun together. We also have an agreement that we don't let issues and resentment build up, we make sure we communicate about stuff that's bothering us and talk things through. We laugh together a lot. We pray together, this is important to the health of our relationship. We have similar values and a shared outlook and vision for our lives.

We make sure that we have time alone together on a regular basis, going out on 'dates' or having a night in with a takeaway and a bottle of wine, having time to chat things through and fill each other in on our busy lives, and just have fun together. We also have an agreement that we don't let issues and resentment build up, we make sure we communicate about stuff that's bothering us and talk things through. We laugh together a lot. We pray together, this is important to the health of our relationship. We have similar values and a shared outlook and vision for our lives. We have been on a course designed to talk about how our marriage is going, and went on a preparation for marriage course before our wedding. We put effort into our relationship, and make sure it doesn't just drift along.

What would you change about him/her and the relationship?
We have quite different personalities, that affect the way that relate to other people and situations. We both still have to work on communicating our love to each other in the way that the other finds most easy to receive.** Tim still doesn't buy Liz flowers often enough :-)

I'd love it if he would do more surprises/gifts for me as I am a person who loves romantic gestures. We both have different emphases on what we need in our relationship and are learning more and more all the time how we can give to each other in this.

Describe your sex life over the years?
Our sex life is like the rest of our life together. As we have grown closer our whole relationship has become deeper, more intimate, and more fun.

It's got better and better :) Obviously there have been up and down times as with everything else, especially with illness and babies, but it is an important part of our marriage and we feel it enhances what we are to each other.

What's been your biggest challenge?
Our biggest ongoing challenge over the years has been living around Liz's chronic lung condition.*** This has stopped her being able to work, and has caused us lots of stress when we have had to juggle child care and Tim's work commitments. Through all this, we have been blessed by being part of a supportive church and circle of friends. Even more important has been our faith and our experience of God holding us and walking with us when it's been tough.

I'd say my chronic lung disease, Bronchiectasis, has been the biggest challenge we face, and it's something we've always faced together and Tim has been a huge support to me in. It has been often so difficult to cope with the demands of the disease, and the side issues of childcare, me being unable to work and Tim's job suffering when he's had to look after me and the kids. We have incredible support from family and friends, and keep picking ourselves up and getting on again after each exacerbation. This is obviously an ongoing challenge for us but I think it has bought us even closer in our love and support of each other.


What's your 10-year secret?
Our secret is an open one. We have a deep and committed love for each other, underpinned by a shared faith and relationship with God.

We love each other deeply, both in an 'in love' sense and in a committed way. We always seek to put effort into our relationship and our shared faith and purpose means that we are strongly joined together.


* http://themarriagecourse.org/
** http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/forcouples.html
*** http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bronchiectasis